Danny Doom’s Booze Cabinet

A lot of behind-the-scenes technological wizardry going on around here this week, so I don’t have access to all my usual devices. The short story is that Windows sucks and I am leaving it forever, or at least until the world spins around a few times. This laptop came with Vista on it and as happens regularly, Vista has failed. So I am moving into a new world known as Ubuntu. Ubuntu! A Linux operating system, and I’ve already said more than I know what I’m talking about. So I leave it to my advisers, my wizards, my extensive team of programmers to save me from the horror that is Bill Gates and Windows. We shall return shortly.

Oh, I have seen, read, and heard too, too much about global warming during this snowy week in February. Yes, this very snowy week in February. Yes, this snowy week in what we know to be “winter” in these here United States. Snow. This week. February. Winter. Ohhhhh…ouch. Brain hurts, must be frozen…

Please. Click if you are one of the dummies: Winter Still Follows Summer, Yes

Everyone else, enjoy pictures of snow in wintertime:

You gotta love the title, and so I read this article in Salon but it bored me quickly. Then it reminded me of this other article I somehow landed upon a few days ago, a crazy one about how Stanley Kubrick faked the moon landing and then gave clues to it in his version of “The Shining.” Pure whack-job stuff but I was into it. I can’t really describe it in a way that will do it justice so I suggest you read it and then try and tell me the moon landing wasn’t faked!

No, I’m not much for conspiracy theories, but it’s interesting anyway, and as Fox Mulder used to say, “I want to believe,” even if I don’t. If you don’t want to get into all that, read the article about the article, which is like a sane person writing about a crazy person and kind of being convinced a little.

Yep, I could be writing about all the crazies in politics but this is where I’m at instead.

It’s good to be informed. I say this for those who go outside in the wintertime and wonder what happened to global warming. I know there are people who do not want to believe it for political reasons, but those people are hopeless, so we can count on their ignorance (media sources have no excuse for being that dumb). But as long as the vast readership of this Booze Cabinet is informed, I’ll feel better about it–and I assume that you are, of course. But in case you aren’t…here’s nine minutes of simple science.

All’s I can say is that my head is very itchy today. Other than that, things are just fine. Bring on football season, please.

This is important stuff. More important than our fly-killing president, if you can believe it. I’m talking about beer, and this new book “Tasting Beer: An Insider’s Guide to the World’s Greatest Drink.” I wish I could have read it before I drank two Busch beers and a High Life, all in cans, last night. Yes, three little beers and my head is aching. Another unjust hangover in my world. Obama can kill a fly but what can he do about this serious problem? Tell me to drink better beer? That’s the easy bailout. I want justice!

From the article:

Along the way, he shares little gems, such as debunking advertising claims (Rocky Mountain water? Lies.) and how to pour a beer (directly in the middle of a glass produces a rich, creamy head; “trickling down the side … will result in a too-gassy beer with little aroma and a poor, quickly dissipating head”).

There’s not a more poignant reminder of flying’s innate precariousness than a good walloping at 35,000 feet. It’s easy to picture the airplane as a helpless dinghy caught unawares in a stormy sea. Everything about it seems dangerous. Except that, in all but the rarest circumstances, it’s not. For all intents and purposes, a plane cannot be flipped upside-down, thrown into a tailspin, or otherwise flung from the sky by even the mightiest gust or air pocket. Conditions might be annoying and uncomfortable, but the plane is not going to crash.

- Why the Air France Plane Crashed, Salon

Good to know. That’s just one of the many interesting things in this Salon article about the plane that crashed this week. Or, I should say, allegedly crashed. For all we know it may have broken in half and landed on a mysterious island somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic, with survivors now trying to fight their way through jungles and smoke monsters and polar bears while some Other island inhabitants stalk them. They very well may be Lost!

By the way, I just happened to watch a movie on cable the other night called “Flightplan.” All of my goodwill toward Jodie Foster slipped away while viewing this disaster. Annoying film. Everyone on that plane needed to be punched, Peter Saaaarrrrrrssssgard included. Didn’t Foster just make this film a few years earlier, called “Panic Room”?

Last night I watched “Taken,” the revenge fantasy hit. Entertaining, sure. Moments of cheese sprinkled in but  have to admit I laughed when Liam Neeson kept kicking people’s asses. They had it coming, so it felt good. Normally I’d give it two and a half stars but in Netflix’s half-starless world I am forced to up it to three. And so that’s my movie round-up for today.

I’m having some serious computer issues, so my traditional Friday booze picture will have to wait. I know, the world gasps and shudders. Drink among yourselves.

What. Is. This?!? Very strange. I got home one night last week and parked the car in the garage. Out in the alley across from me was this weird box with wires sitting just as you see it. This is the second time a mystery box like this has been sitting out here in the alley. What is it? It appeared to be very well-put together, artistic, but also like a bomb or something. The next morning it was gone. I have no idea what it is all about. Please offer any ideas you may have in the comments, because I am downright hornswaggled.

This is embarrassing. John McCain can’t answer a question regarding Viagra and birth control:

This is not a new issue. And the correct answer from a real “straight talker” would be that it is indeed bullshit that insurance companies cover Viagra for men but not birth control for women. Either John McCain is too stupid to know how to answer this question or the blood has gone to his Viagra-riddled McWeiner and he can’t think “straight.” Ha ha ha ha!

P.S. – McCain voted against requiring insurance companies to cover prescription birth control, twice. He’s re-learning all about that right now, deep in the bowels of the Straight Talk Express.

Today I made my final journey for this job, at least for the time being, and topped out at 55.2 mpg. My six day average was…beep, beep, boop, boop, bop…55 mpg on the dot. Not too shabby! Consider this experiment a success!

Mice! Get back in the maze! Rats! Back in the cage! These scientists have work to do! Monkey…give me your brains, it’s time to make some soup!

A tough ending to my week of mileage tracking, today I barely topped the 50 mark, a measly 51.4 mpg. The Unhappy totals! The drive home on a Friday afternoon does not do much for the mileage, I can tell you. As for the scientists, they frowned and lowered their heads. The lab was shut down and even the mice were set free in a symbolic gesture of defeat. Rats in a cage, in a maze, we all are, on the Kennedy, 294, the Edens, whatever. Oh, for the days of $2.50 a gallon of gas…

Scientists…laboratory…beep, beep, boop boop, bop…and today’s data has returned a hearty 55.3 mpg. But boy, traffic sucked today. And I had my first sighting of a car (van) that I had seen on a previous commute. It’s like one big happy family out there, all of us, traffic jammed gasheads. You guessed it: I’m getting a little tired of this.

Just in from the hot and heavy road and the data is in! The scientists are compiling it in the laboratory and…beep, beep, boop, bop…wait…here it is! Ooooh, we finished just under the record at 56.7 mpg. Will I ever get to the elusive 60 mpg? We’ll see. The ride was smooth today and without driver error or unforeseen calamities. Translation: I didn’t get lost or take a wrong turn.

Scientists! Now get back to the lab and configure that engine! Goddammit, configure that engine!

Well, today’s data is a little skewed since I took a different route and went the wrong way for a bit this morning, but the totals do not lie: 54.6 mpg. Not bad. Not record-breaking, but happy totals nonetheless. Unfortunately, I drove more than 54.6 miles, so I’ve screwed up my less-than-a-gallon-of-gas-a-day scheme. We shall see if tomorrow’s results can’t make up for today’s miscues!