Danny Doom’s Booze Cabinet

Long-time readers will remember a segment we used to throw up here at The Booze Cabinet on a semi-regular basis called “Letters from Andrew.” It’s been a while since we’ve had a chance to catch up with Andrew, and indeed, I thought he may have been lost forever, to a cult or militia or a swamp in upstate New York. But this week, out of the gray sky comes a brand new dispatch from our friend, and it is chock full of insight and insanity (and slightly edited for space).

I now present…with pride…the latest installment of…Letters from Andrew:

Danny,

I now pronounce you man and wife. It makes for a weird conversation when I tell people to go to “man and wife tube dot come” and watch video X. (X is a variable universal to all shell scripts, brains, and eyes).

I’ve not recently gone to a bowling alley. That’s a shame. Blake 18 or what where they? They rocked. Then there was the after party at 1313 N. Milwaukee where I almost beat up the mayor (good thing he wasn’t there).

Have you gotten over you habit of eating frosting and lard for breakfast? Judy told me, but I want to compare the answers. As for me, I have a diesel compressor (486 hp) that sprays the condiment of my choice, and that’s what I do for breakfast. You don’t know how many times the sheriff and I have lunch. The neighbors hate my, what with all their broken windows and walls and all, but the sheriff, well I make them pay for the subs.

I digress though. We will not talk about that stuff that everybody else does. What was the deal with stamps and office supplies amounting to $50 grand though? I know it’s a VH1 kind of a thing now.

It’s not too often you get a rude tool both attendant shuving fries and mayonaise in your car/face, but if you do, I can guarantee you that you won’t find the appropriate reaction until the transaction has ended. When was the last time you used “shuving” in text? Did you spell it right? I don’t know if I did, but no backspace/delete for me! If you need to contact me further, I’ll be happily residing in Berkeley having fun with curly haired girls.

rules:
a) Educate you and everyone else
b) Hang out with curly haired girls
c) Erica Jablonski has curly/waivey hair
d) Erica Jablonski (see (c)) was born on April 15th, just
like Mexican
(Goddess) Jackie
e) Don’t participate in lists or “itemized lists”
f) Stop what you’re doing
g) Buy every CD Danny Gatton ever recorded
h) Buy every Mavericks CD and optionally (mandatory)
get that girl’s name, the one standing under the
umbrella

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to a peppermint factory where I’m very needed,
Andrew

Hmmm. Never thought I’d be citing Garrison Keillor, but here he is today, a pagan at Easter:

Skepticism is a stimulant, not to be repressed. It is an antidote to smugness and the great glow of satisfaction one gains from being right. You know the self-righteous—I’ve been one myself—the little extra topspin they put on the truth, their ostentatious modesty, the pleasure they take in being beautifully modulated and cool and correct when others are falling apart. Jesus was rougher on those people than he was on the adulterers and prostitutes.

So I will sit in the doubter’s chair for a while and see what is to be learned back there.

I still haven’t watched the speech but I hear it was pretty good. That’s not surprising–Obama is easily the most thoughtful and eloquent politician we’ve ever seen.

But here’s the thing that really bothers me: it’s that these politicians feel the need to pony up some sort of “faith” or “spirituality,” as if not having it makes them unfit for their job. So they have to pander, and play up their beliefs in order to win over what I consider to be the weak demographic of Americans: those who think that having faith in some higher being gives them a superiority and insight that the non-believers do not have.

This is, unfortunately, the majority of my fellow citizens, and yes, I find it to be a major flaw in character.

Of course, we put “God” on our money, so what should I expect?

Here’s the transcript. I will wait to watch it later when it goes up, wherever that may be.

UPDATE: the video is now also at that same link.

It’s easy if you try. Really. Try. Keep trying.

Barack Obama sat down with both the Tribune and the Sun-Times and answered every question they gave him regarding his goofy pastor and the other guy, Rezko. In various columns and editorials in both papers it is clear that they believe him, as far as the Rezko deal goes. Even John Kass and his fake tough-guy act was forced to admit that he liked the man, even if he disagrees with is policies.

But the church stuff lingers. If anyone has listened to a word of what Obama has said in his books or speeches, or in those interviews with the papers, they would know that what some crazy-ass pastor preaches doesn’t represent what he believes. But he’s going to spend all week defending and deflecting this shit.

I know: it’s all about hating America, and not believing the government when they tell us the “truth” about AIDS or 9/11 or whatever. There’s a lot of crazy shit that all kinds of crazy people believe, including this goddamn creationism crap and Jesus’ death and resurrection. Some think the moon walk was staged and Kennedy had three assassins. Who gives a shit? There’s a reason that Oprah and Obama go to this church, but I can’t begin to tell you what that is. I wish everyone was stronger.

You know how I feel: like Mormonism or Scientology or Catholicism, they’re all blabbering about pie-in-sky nonsense that any adult should know to take with a grain of salt. Or a big giant bag of salt maybe. How about a snow-plow truck full of salt? But what Obama’s pastor said in various sermons over the years has to do with anything, I can’t begin to tell you.

I long for the day when an atheist or agnostic candidate for president can get up and say “Look, I don’t engage in any of that nonsense, no one speaks for me, and this is what I think.” End of story.

But that won’t happen. And that makes me dislike the very concept of religion, and politics, even more. The way that it is, is not right, and I reject one and despise the other.

I am so sick and tired of people and their damned religions. For someone who really does not care about religion at all, this entire debate is absolutely maddening. I think all of you are funny, with your arguments about water into wine, coming back from the dead, virgin birth, funny underpants, arguments about circumcision, not eating meat on Friday and pork being unclean, the immorality of the gay, etc. Having to hear someone is not politically viable because they don’t adhere to the letter of one sect’s brand of fantasy is enough to make me want to throw up. you all can practice whatever you want, I don’t care what you think, but I am sick and tired of hearing about it. Really.

- John Cole

But Black is the new President, Bitch! I laughed out loud at this one. Tracey Morgan, ladies and gentlemen!

Dear Reader,
Thank you for writing. Mr. Kristol has affixed to the top of his column a correction on this issue. You are correct, he was wrong.
Sincerely,
Michael McElroy
Office of the Public Editor
The New York Times

Obama/Coyne! Hilarious photo, taken from Jim Derogatis’ Sun-Times blog.

In the interest of keeping this fine Irish holiday festive and cheerful, I will save the post I have regarding Obama and religion and all that bullshit until later, if not tomorrow. Maybe it will be irrelevant by then; not the religion part but the crazy pastor part. But I doubt it. As for the religion part, well…I’ll stop now in order to preserve the saint’s drunken holiday spirit. But just know that the ammo is being loaded and prepared for fire.

On this St. Patty’s Day, I recommend the film “Once,” which I watched this weekend. I’m pretty sure you don’t have to be a musician, or even Irish to appreciate it, but if you’re both then it’s even better. It takes place in Dublin, and since I was there just under a year ago it adds a whole other element to it.

I saw the performance that the lead actors/musicians gave at the Oscars and especially loved the speeches that both gave after they won for Best Original Song. Now the movie. It’s all very good and honest and inspiring from a musician, filmmaker, and relationship point of view. If you ain’t gettin’ drunk tonight, go and watch it!

This pretty much says it all:

The country that elected George Bush—sort of—because he seemed like he’d be more fun to have a beer with than Al Gore or John Kerry is really getting its comeuppance.

- Gail Collins, NY Times